I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
