Please, let me fuck your mom
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Randomize
