I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
