ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
