My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
