Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
