Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
