My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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