I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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