oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
