I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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