How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
