i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
