I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
