guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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