Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
