a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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