i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize