so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
