Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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