Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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