Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
