i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
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