I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
If I die, sorry about rent.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Randomize
