So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I have tasted many bathrooms
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize