a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
