After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
