I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
