I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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