do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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