I'm going to jail i love you
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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