apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I'm at about main and main street
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
