Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
