then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
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