and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
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