just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
