i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
