i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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