the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
