if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
