I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
