im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
