I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
