I'm really into asian looking animals
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
