HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
We left an ass print on the piano.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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