i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
