Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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