THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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