Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
This is my gift to your gina
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
