At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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