I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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