M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
