There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
