Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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