my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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