Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
