Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
