Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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