I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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