I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
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